Kill Her!

If I ever knew a very great hypocrite in my life, I am the person.

I’m so great at pretending.
I pretend everything’s OK.
I always want to look flawless in the family.
You know what? I laugh at those who consider me as a naïve, good girl.
They don’t know the devilish part of me.
I’m laughing at them.
Haha,, Fool them.
But I cry right after it.
I’m afraid.
This double-sided face is going to eat me alive, sooner or later.
I have to kill one of them before I get killed.
I gotta stop this laughing and crying.
I gotta stop.
I gotta stop.
I really gotta stop.

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I'm lonely inside [who cares?]

Have you ever felt like you're alone in this world? Yes, I guess most of you must have ever felt that feeling. Maybe it's because you miss particular person, or you are surrounded by people who have nothing in common with you, or you feel that no one loves you, or sometimes you don't need any reason at all to feel lonely. It just happens.

Some people say, no need to feel lonely. People are EVERYWHERE. All you have to do is open yourself to the world and the world will open its arm wide for you. But I think it's not that simple.

To be lonely is to feel that you're the only one who understands you. To be lonely is to be convinced that there is a wall between you and the world. To be lonely is to be unable to take part in normal activities. To be lonely is to be unhappy.

Alone and lonely are not the same. To be alone means you enjoy doing things on your own without any intervention from other party. To be lonely means you actually want to do things with other people but no one comes to be that person.

--Quoted from somebody @ everything2.com, with some changes--

To me, I like being alone alot. I enjoy doing many activities by myself. I love to do much things alone: walk, go to mall, jogging in the morning, or just spend a whole day inside my room.

Nobody wants to be lonely. That's what Ricky Martin the ass-shaker says in his song. Yes, I agree with it. Lonely people will try to get rid of the loneliness inside them. At least they will make an effort, right? Maybe by gathering with their friends, talk to their lovers, or join some new groups to meet new friends.

But when I get that feeling, all I wanna do is WORSEN the loneliness itself. I BUILD that wall between me and the world. I locked myself. I then become an other-human-hater. I kinda hate everyone. I hate to talk to ANYBODY. I don't care with ANYTHING. I'll do it until I'm exhausted, then I started to go back to reality. And on and on and on...

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Friend will always be friend (how sweet..)

Hey mate! Please don't be mad
I know what you're thinking
And thinking about what you think is saddening
Please try to understand
This is just an effort to have some fun
Life is hard and is getting harder for me right now
And I can't think of a better way to express myself
You can't fathom because you've got ALL that it takes to be happy!
You've got all that it takes to make me envy!
Please...
Whatever I do with my body, whatever I do with my style
I'm still a friend of yours, and it won't change a bit!
You know what? I'm glad that you care about me
You want to prevent people from thinking something bad about me
Hmm,,, It doesn't make any sense to you, does it?
But what can I say? I DID it
I'm childish, aren't I? I don't know, I don't care about it currently
But I promise you, from now on I won't disappoint you any further
Keep beside me, okay buddy?
Luv ya.

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Emotion of Ms.Emotionless

August 3rd 2007, 2:12 AM

It's funny. I told myself not to go to sleep late few days ago, because I knew, I really knew, it's sickening waking up in the middle of the morning (what I mean is it's still morning but not morning enough, around 9-10am). I can't stand the blurry vision and dizzy sensation that strikes me if I do so. But what am I doing now? Finding myself don't want to go bed nor doing something I possibly would enjoy. I just thought that I wanted to type something, although I'm not enjoying it recently. I'm also not sure about what to type. Just type type type type,, I hope my fingers understand that their owner is just in a fucked up mental condition because she had to deal with fucked up situations in fucked up moments and it's all making her lost and just want to say FUCK. FUCK. FFFFFFFF.....FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKK!!!!

I'm not gonna sorry for being rude. I just wanna let loose.

I am not an expressive person. It's so not me to show my emotion in understandable words or action. Most of them are just meaningless body language.

I often say "Umm,,yea, maybe,," when I actually want to say "HELL NO!"

or I would prefer to say "Mm-Hmm,," rather than say "YES, ABSOLUTELY".

When I dislike something I think I'd better show a straight face rather than anger look.

When I hear joke or something funny I choose to pull my lips aside slightly rather than laugh out loud.

I cry frequently and I wish by God people around me won't realize it.

I usually answer something in an uncertainty way. When it's time to describe something, in 1-10 scale, my favorite is 5 or 6.

Maybe I'll look like a child who has been isolated from people for years, since she was born, so that she doesn't know how to react to something properly or how to show her emotion.

Actually I really WANT to be expressive! I want the world to know what I'm feeling, what I'm trying to say, and what I keep in silence.

This is really not good. I realize that it could possibly makes me an EXPLOSIVE person one day.

It's 3:55am now. I've should slept like a log at this hour. But I just can't. I even think I don't want to go to sleep at all. I'm not in a good mood to do anything, including sleeping. But sleeping is the most reasonable action to do with my current condition.

God, if I can't pause the time, let me have a 24hour-long sleep. I want to watch series of exciting dreams in my sleep. Can I? Please..

Hello World!
I'm sick to death, you know that!?


It's time to sleep! Bye Wordpad, good night XP, have a nice shutdown! :-*

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postingan perdana

Ekeke,, Postingan perdana neh,, Maksudnya setelah blog gw koma selama 5 bulan lebih. Padahal umur blog gw waktu itu blom ada sbulan dah, udah koma aja, kasian yak..

Gw sih udah kaga ada heran-herannya lagi knapa tu blog bisa ditelantarin kaya gitu. Pemiliknya emang kaya gitu sih, cepet bosenan, ga konsisten, susah fokus buat ngerjain satu hal secara terus menerus. Udah ah, capek ngomongin kejelekan sendiri. Mendingan biarkan saja. Gyahaha.. (Emang ga ada niat berubah, makanya ketawa).


Hey blogspot,,, apa kabar?

By the way, many things have happened during these months.

^ Study: this semester everything turns into a nightmare. Crap.

^ Love life: Hell yeah! Never better. But it seems to be my most critical problem nowadays. *lifting shoulders*

^ Family: my relationships with them are not really good. I miss them, though.

^ Friends: just met my G7 few weeks ago. They're still my sweeties, though it's undeniable dat some things have changed between us. Such a normal thing, I think.

^ Spiritual: I miss you, God.

Saat gw ngetik ini, gw masih di kosan setelah sminggu di sini abis njagain stand SWS hari Jumat(29/06) kmaren. Rencananya besok pagi mo pulang, tapi males juga sih, bete di rumah, mending di kosan rame, ada internet pula. Tapi gw udah janji mw balik hari Kamis. Dunno lah. Liat besok.

Sekian posting perdana saya stelah kebangkitannya dari koma. I'm not saying that I'll start to blog regularly from now on. Bisa aja abis postingan ini, blog ini malah telantar selama-lamanya. Ga heran sih.

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Gw ga kan nyesel..!

Hahah.. Ketawa gw pas gw baca lagi tulisan di jurnal gw yang gw tulis waktu kelas 2 SMA (ketawa beneran sih ngga, cuma dalem hati aja). Isinya tentang where do u want to go after graduating from hi skool. Di situ jelas-jelas tertulis dengan mantab bahwa abis lulus SMA gw mau masuk ke jurusan Teknik Informatika di sebuah perguruan tinggi ternama di Bandung yang terkenal dengan lambang gajah (yang lagi) duduk.

Tulisan itu gw buat karena terinspirasi oleh kakak kelas gw dari SMP sampe SMA yang kalo pulang sering bareng gw secara ngga sengaja, trus kalo lagi maen di warnet gw juga sering ketemu dia secara ngga sengaja pula (keterangan yang ngga penting). Jadi waktu itu gw liat di papan pengumuman anak-anak 81 yang lulus SPMB, dia keterima di jurusan yang gw mau, di perguruan tinggi yang gw mau pula. Gw jadi ngiri ma dia, pengen masuk situ juga. Mupeng euy..

Gw milih Teknik Informatika karena apa yah? Mungkin karena gw ga tau mau milih jurusan apa yang lain kali yah. Meskipun ga ada basic komputer, tapi secara gw ga minat sama jurusan lain (apa coba? akuntansi? kedokteran? teknik elektro? teknik sipil? teknik lingkungan? teknik industri? matematika? fisika?? sebutin semuanya, ga ada satu pun yang nyantol di otak gw), yaa akhirnya informatika deh tujuan gw. Sedang lain dengan Teknik Informatika. Menurut gw ini mungkin bakal jadi fun. Sementara soal kenapa dulu gw maunya di perguruan tinggi tersebut, yaa ga usah ditanya lah. Alesan gw mungkin hampir-hampir sama dengan sekitar 3000 orang lain di Indonesia yang menjatuhkan pilihan tentang kuliahnya pada jurusan Teknik Informatika di perguruan tinggi tersebut. Secara perguruan tinggi tersebut adalah perguruan tinggi teknik terbaik di Indonesia, jadi kalo mo ngambil kuliah teknik (dalam hal ini teknik informatika, jurusan yang beberapa tahun terakhir ini emang laris manis), ya di tempat terbaiknya dong. Alesan gw yang lain mungkin karena perguruan tinggi tersebut terletak di Bandung—yang ngga jauh dari Jakarta— karena gw udah memutuskan kalaupun harus kuliah di luar kota ga usah jauh-jauh. Lagipula gw pikir Bandung adalah kota yang asik dan cool (cool: 1keren, 2dingin). Bayangin kalo gw harus kuliah di Surabaya atau Semarang, udah jauh, panas pula!

Ya, singkat kata itulah cita-cita gw di masa SMA pertengahan sampai menjelang akhir. Kita skip aja kejadian yang terjadi setelah itu, yang menyebabkan gw melupakan dan mengkhianati cita-cita gw sendiri. Ya, gw udah ngeduain perguruan tinggi cita-cita gw itu dengan memilih yang lain, yang bisa dibilang rivalnya. Selingkuhan gw yang ini sama-sama di Bandung sih, cuma hampir bisa dipastikan kalo lo nyari lokasinya di peta, bakalan susah nemunya kalo lo ga termasuk orang yang cermat, teliti, dan tekun, serta rajin menabung :p

Kadang gw suka mikir sebentar, merenungi keputusan yang udah gw buat, sembari berharap, jauh dalam lubuk hati, gw ga kan menyesali hal ini. Karena yang namanya nyesel itu sumpah ga enak banget. Saat lo menyadari bahwa lo udah mengambil keputusan yang salah, lo akan ngerasa jadi orang yang bodoh banget, dan biasanya hal ini akan berlanjut dengan mengutuk-ngutuk diri sendiri dan tanpa disadari sering mengucapkan kata �fandaikan...�f — kata yang ngga berguna untuk diucapkan sering-sering.

Sumpah yah, yang bikin kesel tu kalo temen gw lagi manas-manasin gw tentang pilihan yang gw tinggalin itu. Yang tadinya ga kenapa-napa, jadi mikir-mikir buat nyesel. Yang gw inget waktu temen sekelas gw di kampus bilang gini, �hNgapain lo disini, udah enak di sono, lo kalo mo minum tinggal mangap, keluar deh aer dari keran.�h Hehehe... simpel sih kata-katanya (namanya juga guyonan), tapi kalo gw pikirin dan hayatin (apalagi mikirinnya beberapa hari menjelang si �fbulan�f dateng), suka sensi aja gituh.

Trus yah, gw rasa orang-orang di dunia pertelevisian Indonesia juga kayanya mo ikut-ikutan manas-manasin gw deh, dengan menayangkan film plus acara serial tentang 4 cowo sekawan yang berjuang mengatasi status mereka yang �fkosong�f, dimana di acara tersebut latar belakang tempat yang paling menonjol adalah kampus mantan idaman gw itu. Di situ suasananya asik banget keliatannya, membuat gw tergoda untuk membanding-bandingkannya dengan suasana tempat gw berada. Damn.

Kalo udah kaya gitu gw biasanya melakukan hal ini: sebelum tidur, di depan cermin gw mengucapkan kalimat: �hGw ga akan nyesel. Gw ga akan nyesel. Gw ga akan nyesel. Gw ga akan nyesel. Gw ga akan nyesel. Gw ga akan nyesel...�h begitu terus berulang-ulang sampe gw fall asleep. Dan keesokan paginya gw akan lupa bahwa kemaren gw pernah berpikir untuk nyesel. Hehehe,,, boongan doang ding. Ga sampe sgitu seriusnya kok (setidaknya sampai saat ini belum perlu segitu seriusnya).

Ok, gw udah gede. Udah berani ambil keputusan, harus pula berani mempertanggungjawabkan. Gw rasa sih keputusan gw udah tepat, tinggal bagaimana gw mengatasi perasaan-perasaan ga penting yang kadang mengambil alih diri gw.

Gw akan buktikan kalo gw ga akan nyesel milih perguruan tinggi gw sekarang ini, dan gw juga akan buktikan kalo dia ga akan nyesel udah milih gw jadi mahasiswinya.

Huff..

Hidup ini memang penuh dengan pilihan.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007!!
Sebenernya ucapan "Happy New Year" bagi gw kurang tepat deh. Buat gw itu seharusnya lebih bernada sedih, bukan ceria. Mungkin lebih kaya gini: "Yah, udah taun 2007 aja nih. Bumi makin tua, gw makin tua, makin mendekati akhir". Ah, whatever deh.

Nu Year Eve taun ini gw di Bandung (Dayeuhkolot juga Bandung loh:p). Teringat taun-taun sebelumnya, byasanya gw ngumpul ma temen2 SMP gw. Sekarang ngga, gara-gara UASialan. Taun baruan juga di kosan doang. Garing. Tapi gpp d, setidaknya masih bareng2 temen2 kosan, ma second family, jadi ga terlalu menyedihkan.


Di malam pertambahan tahun Masehi kali ini, ada yang spesial juga sih. Jadi kemaren, kira-kira pas lagi bareng2 nonton Heart yang ditayangin di RCTI sambil mencerca setiap adegan yang muncul, HP gw bunyi, sms diterima. Wah, si nomor dari operator yang ga ada di Indonesia, Hutchison kalo ga salah? Pas gw buka, whew, si HP memperingatkan bahwa SMS yang akan dya bacain tuh terdiri dari 5x ukuran SMS normal.

Setelah dibaca, yaah,, kepotong,, baru keliatan 1 sms doang (serasa nonton film seri banget deh), penasaran lah sama yang empat lainnya. Mmm,, mungkin gara2 inbox gw kepenuhan kali yah. Maklum, HP jelekan sih. Terpaksa akhirnya gw menyortir dan mendelete sms2 di inbox yang uda out of date (tapi sebenernya gw masih mau nyimpen, cuz itu bnykan dari ma best riends). Tapi penasaran dengan 4 sms yang masih melayang di udara, yah gpp deh.

Setelah itu sms dari nomer yang sama berulang-ulang masuk, mungkin mau mengamandemen sms yang pertama, menambah jumlah pasal-pasalnya, tapi ga berhasil mulu, tetep aja yang gw baca itu-itu doang, 1 sms pertama.Kejadian itu berlangsung sampe 10 kali, kali. Selang waktu stgh atau satu jam berikutnya baru deh gw bisa baca yang full version dari sms itu.
Gw baca...

Xxxxxxx...........................................................
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.................................................. xxx xxxx xxxx!

Wuhu.. isi smsnya bener2 sukses ngebuat gw senyum2 ga jelas ala seorang psycho. Anjrit! Tapi gw sempet mikir, palingan ni orang cuma terbawa suasana aja abis nonton kembang api, jadi mellow gituh kaya di pelem-pelem. Jadilah korbannya gw.

Gw mikir lagi, si pengirim sms ini tau ga yah reaksi si penerima sms setelah baca ini kaya gimana..
Seandainya gw nerima sms itu di tempat umum yang dipasangin kamera CCTV, mungkin gw bakal jadi pemandangan paling mencolok, aneh, dan mencurigakan di layar pengawasnya.


GW SENENG..


































sekaligus sedih..

so the situation can be described like this: i like u. u like me. that's all.


Malam tahun baru yang aneh.
Sekaligus menyebalkan, karena UAS makin deket. Argghhh...

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